Lesson video

Hi everybody, and welcome to our lesson today.

Today, we're going to be using all of our knowledge and planning so far to write the main body paragraph of our diary.

This is our final lesson for this outcome.

So today's learning objective is to write the main body of our diary entry.

This is lesson number 10 of 10.

In this lesson, you will need your exercise book or paper, your pen or pencil and your best learning brain.

You will also need to make sure you have your planning and your vocabulary from our last few lessons.

Pause the video if you need to go and get anything.

So today's agenda, our warm-up is going to be an editing focus.

Then we are going to discuss our success criteria.

We're going to re-read a model, and finally, we are going to write our paragraph.

So for our writing warm-up, we are going to be focusing on editing.

Can you help me edit my writing? I'm going to read it aloud first and you can pause the video if you would like to read it again.

It all began this morning, downstairs in the kitchen, I could hear my younger sisters getting ready for school.

During breakfast, mum was unusually quiet.

That all looks pretty good to me, but is there anything you can see that I need to add? Oh, okay.

So my sentences are missing some punctuation.

If you think back to some of the areas or skills that we've been focusing so far in this unit.

Can you spot what punctuation I'm missing? Let's read it through together again.

It all began this morning, downstairs in the kitchen, I could hear my younger sisters getting ready for school.

During breakfast, mum was unusually quiet.

Pause the video while you have more of a time to think.

Okay everyone, maybe you've spotted what punctuation I need.

Let's have a check together.

Of course, downstairs in the kitchen, that's a fronted adverbial of place.

So I need a comma after it.

And I also need a comma after, during breakfast.

And I also need a comma after during breakfast so, during breakfast comma because that was a fronted adverbial of time.

I always need to use a comma after fronted adverbials.

Now, let's have a look at these sentences.

Dad's voice was overflowing with excitement as he told us all about the plans to migrate to England.

Stunned, I couldn't speak.

Are these sentences missing any punctuation? Pause the video while you have a look.

Okay everyone, maybe you've all spotted what punctuation I need to include.

Of course, I needed an apostrophe in dad's for dad's voice, and I needed an apostrophe for couldn't.

So I did need two apostrophes in there.

But were they both for the same purpose? Dad's voice and couldn't.

Are they both performing the same function? Have some time to think.

Oh of course, dad's voice is an apostrophe for possession because the voice belongs to dad, but couldn't, is an apostrophe for contraction because, oh, maybe you can tell me.

What's the uncontracted version of couldn't? Say it out loud with me.

Could not, couldn't.

Well done.

Okay, so now we're going to discuss and decide on our success criteria.

Today we are writing the main body of our diary entry, and here is our success criteria, to use a cohesive opening sentence to take your reader back to the beginning.

Like cohesive just means, helping our writing to flow.

So we've left off in our opening paragraph by talking about how we feel and all of our emotions and lots of show not tell.

And we've summarised what happened in the day, but then in our next paragraph, we need to explain to our reader that we're taking them back to the beginning of the day so we can tell the events of the day in chronological order.

Then we're going to write in informal tone.

We're going to make sure we describe our emotions using tell and show not tell.

And we're also going to order or sequence our events of the day using fronted adverbials of time and place.

Make sure though that you've got your mind maps and your planning from our last lesson ready.

Pause the video if you need to go and get them.

Okay everyone, so you should have all your planning and your mind maps with all that vocabulary written done here with you, and now I'd like you to pause the video so you can copy down some of your success criteria.

Once you're done, you can press play.

Now we're going to read a model.

I would like you to find evidence of meeting the success criteria in this model.

So, we've already read this model right together.

Let's read it through one more time.

And while I'm reading, I would like you to have a think about whether any of these sentences meet the success criteria.

I suppose I should go back to the beginning.

During breakfast, mum was acting weird.

Usually she whistles while she cooks us our ackee and salt fish and asks us questions about our day.

But today we eat and prepare for school in an ominous silence.

At school, an impending sense of doom descended over me throughout the day.

I knew something was wrong.

So, pause the video now while you have a think.

Can you spot any of the success criteria here? If you can't find all of it, don't worry because we haven't read the whole main body yet.

Okay everyone, so hopefully you've all pause the video and you've had a go at finding some of the success criteria in the writing.

Let's go through some together.

So a cohesive opening sentence to take your reader back to the beginning, that really needs to be the first sentence of your main body paragraph.

I suppose I should go back to the beginning, that does take our reader back to the beginning of the day.

So that's where I've met success criteria one.

No.

At school, oh yes of course, this is an example of a fronted adverbial of place.

Okay, so I've met success criteria number one and number four here.

I could have used, success criteria two, so informal tone.

Mum was acting weird.

That's quite a bit an informal piece of vocabulary there.

Let's keep reading them.

When I returned home, shivers ran down my spine and I immediately knew my life was about to be turned upside down.

Without pausing, dad started rambling on about England and the empire and something about wind, while mom's eyes began to brim with tears and her lip quivered.

Bang! Then it hit me.

He was telling me that we are moving to England, the motherland, my heart sank.

I felt like I had just received a blow to the stomach.

I couldn't think.

I couldn't speak.

Now can you find any examples of the success criteria in this paragraph? Pause the video while you do that.

Okay everyone, I'm going to show you some examples of where I thought the success criteria had been met.

So, shivers run down my spine.

That's an example of, show not tell.

And I couldn't think, I couldn't speak.

Two contracted words, I couldn't.

So that's another example of informal tone.

Now I would like you to pause the video while you write your main body paragraph of your diary entry.

So make sure you've got your plan from our last writing lesson.

Make sure you've got your success criteria and enjoy your writing.

Okay everybody, so hopefully now you have all paused the video and you have written your main body paragraph.

It would be so fantastic if you could now pause the video again and check for where you have met your success criteria.

When you've done that, we're then going to read together an example closing paragraph.

So Let's read the closing paragraph of our diary entry.

Lying on my bed now, my blood is boiling in anger.

I don't want to go.

They'll have to drag me onto that boat if they want me to leave.

I was born here and my whole life is here.

It's not fair to make me leave.

I will only get on that boat kicking and screaming.

I just can't understand why we're going! Jenna.

So I showed you this example because it's important that we read what the end of a diary entry would look like.

Now if you would like to, as an optional extra challenge, you could now go and finish your diary entry by writing your closing paragraph.

That would be so fantastic.

Okay everyone, that now brings us to the end of our lesson and actually the end of our diary writing outcome.

I have been so impressed with how hard you have all worked.

Well done everyone, and I'm really looking forward to seeing you in our next writing outcome of this unit.