Lesson video

Hello, my name is Miss Wroth.

Today we're going to be looking at the lesson called "Good Parenting." This fits into the lesson unit "Healthy Relationships: What Is Good Parenting?" Now, in this lesson, we are going to be learning about the qualities and the responsibilities of "good enough" parenting.

So let's get ready to begin.

Today's lesson outcome is: "I can describe the qualities and responsibilities of "good enough" parenting.

Let's begin by taking a look at our ground rules together.

Laura says we should listen to others.

"It's okay to disagree with each other, but we should listen properly before making assumptions or deciding how to respond.

When disagreeing, challenge the statement and not the person." Andeep says we should respect privacy.

"We can discuss examples, but do not use names or descriptions that identify anyone, including ourselves.

Jacob says, "No judgement.

We can explore beliefs and misunderstandings about a topic without fear of being judged." And Izzy says, "Choose your level of participation.

Everyone has the right to choose not to answer a question or join discussion.

We never put anyone on the spot." All of these ground rules are here to keep everyone safe and respected in the lesson.

Here are today's keywords.

We have "attunement," "emotional regulation," "consistent," and "boundary." So, attunement means being aware of and responding to a child's needs and emotions in a caring and understanding way.

Emotional regulation means managing your own feelings and reactions, especially when feeling stressed, frustrated, or overwhelmed.

Consistent means when something is done in the same way, in a steady and regular pattern, so that things are reliable and fair.

And boundary is like an imaginary line separating what we will and won't allow.

Let's see if we can spot these keywords throughout today's lesson.

Here is the lesson's outline, and we are going to begin with: What makes a parent or carer good enough? So, I'm going to talk to you a little bit about Winnicott's "good enough" parenting theory.

So, Donald Winnicott was a British doctor and child development expert who created the concept of "good enough" parenting in 1953.

He argued that children don't need perfect parents or carers, and in fact, they need parents and carers who occasionally fail them in manageable ways.

He believed this approach helps children develop resilience and learn to cope with life's imperfections.

He maintained that striving for perfection in parenting could actually harm parents and carers, and their children too.

Time for a check for understanding.

Who developed the "good enough" parenting theory, and when? Pause this video so you can have some time to think about your answer.

Okay, well done if you remembered that it was Donald Winnicott in 1953.

Being a good "enough parent" or carer means being good enough to raise healthy and secure children.

A "good enough" parent or carer is mostly responsive to their child's needs and knows their parenting will never be perfect all the time.

When they make mistakes, "good enough" parents and carers make amends.

Okay, time for a check for understanding.

A good "enough parent" or carer.

Is it A: sometimes makes mistakes, B: rarely acknowledges their mistakes, C: immediately meets their child's needs every time, or D: works to repair the relationship when it breaks? Hmm.

A "good enough" parent or carer.

Pause this video so you can think about your answer.

Okay, well done if you said A and D.

A "good enough" parent or carer sometimes makes mistakes and works to repair the relationship when it breaks.

Rupture and repair.

Building on Winnicott's ideas, modern psychologists use the terms "rupture" and "repair" to describe what happens in parent-child relationships.

A rupture is when the child and parent's relationship breaks down temporarily.

So, this means when the parent or carer doesn't immediately meet a child's need.

A repair is when parents or carers fix the relationship afterwards by apologising and talking it through.

The rupture and repair process is normal and happens to all families.

It shows children how to repair relationships as they grow up.

Aisha's parents say, "If we snap at Aisha, we make sure we apologise and have a hug.

We all get it wrong sometimes." Fostering tolerance.

This concept comes directly from Winnicott's theory.

When parents or carers can't always give children what they want straight away, this helps children learn to be patient and wait.

It also helps them to feel confident that their needs will be met eventually.

Zeb's parents say, "When Zeb gets hungry, he sometimes gets upset while waiting, but he's learning that food is always coming, even if he has to wait a little bit." The gift of imperfection.

Brene Brown, a modern parenting expert, developed the concept of "the gift of imperfection" in 2010.

Through this concept, Brown maintains that when parents or carers admit their mistakes and fix them, they show children that it's normal to make errors and that people can bounce back from problems. This helps children learn to cope with an imperfect world and when life doesn't go to plan.

Izzy says, "I know my parents try to help me as soon as I ask for it, but sometimes I have to wait.

I used to get really frustrated if this happened when I was younger.

Now I can see that they have a lot to manage too, and I'm trying to be more patient." Self-care for parents and carers.

Contemporary psychologists emphasise that "good enough" parents and carers should look after themselves and be kind to themselves when they fail.

They argue this helps them maintain the energy and patience needed to understand and respond to their child's needs.

Self-care could include getting enough sleep, eating well, regularly exercising, taking breaks when needed, spending time with friends, or doing activities they enjoy.

Okay, time for a check for understanding.

Change the following sentences to correct them.

So this paragraph says, "'Good enough' parents and carers know that they never make mistakes, so they never need to apologise.

They know that being perfect will give their children the intolerance to cope with an imperfect world." So, your job is to correct this paragraph and change the sentences to make sure that the paragraph is correct.

Pause this video so you can have some time to think about your answer.

Okay, so you should have changed the following sentences so that they look like this: "'Good enough' parents and carers know that they sometimes make mistakes, so they sometimes need to apologise.

They know that being imperfect will give their children the tolerance to cope with an imperfect world." Well done if you made those changes, and that the paragraph makes sense.

Time for a task now.

With the person next to you, devise an explanation of a "good enough" parent or carer.

In your answer, I would like you to include the following phrases: "rupture and repair," "fostering tolerance," "the gift of imperfection," and "self-care." Pause this video so you can have some time to do the task, and then we will go through the answers together.

Okay, well done for having a go.

Your answer could include this: "Good enough" parents and carers usually meet their child's needs, but sometimes they don't manage this, and the relationship breaks down temporarily.

"Good enough" parents and carers repair this rupture by apologising and talking it through.

These ruptures foster tolerance for times when things don't immediately go the child's way.

Furthermore, when parents and carers show they're not perfect, which is the gift of imperfection, it teaches children that making mistakes is normal and they can cope when life doesn't go to plan.

"Good enough" parents and carers also need to make time for self-care so they have the energy and patience to handle the challenges of parenting.

Well done if your explanation is similar to mine.

We are now going to move on to the second part of our lesson: How do parents and carers support healthy growth? In 2003, modern parenting experts Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell developed three parenting principles to support a child's healthy growth.

These are attunement, which means connecting with their child through love, attention, and understanding; emotional regulation, which means staying calm when children or situations are challenging; and consistent boundaries, which means having structure and clear rules along with consistent boundaries.

Okay, time for a check for understanding.

Who developed three parenting principles to support a child's healthy growth? Pause this video so you can have some time to think about your answer.

Okay, well done if you remembered that it was Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell in 2003.

Attunement is the building of loving, strong, consistent, and responsive parent-child relationships through play, positive interactions, and mutual understanding.

How can parents and carers be attuned to their children? Well, they can show empathy, give attention, engage in play, practise problem-solving, listening carefully, talking openly, providing coaching, giving praise when they've done something well, offering encouragement when they're finding something tricky, giving rewards, and showing involvement.

So being interested in their child's hobbies or their school development.

Okay, time for a check for understanding.

What is the explanation for the principle of attunement? Is it A: strategies to understand and manage challenging behaviours effectively? B: continuously building strong, responsive parent-child relationships? Or C: helping parents and carers manage their own emotional responses? Hmm.

What is the explanation for the principle of attunement? Pause this video so you can have some time to think about your answer.

Okay, well done if you said B.

The explanation for the principle of attunement is continuously building strong, responsive parent-child relationships.

Emotional regulation.

Sometimes being a parent or carer can be challenging.

Children can be demanding or might try to test set boundaries.

Helping parents and carers to manage their own emotional responses creates a safe, respectful, and supportive environment for their children.

So how can parents and carers regulate their emotions? They can take deep breaths; stay calm and speak quietly or calmly; practise self-care, so spending time with their friends, getting enough sleep, and eating a healthy diet; walk away if safe and take a break.

Get support from other adults in their lives; and use positive self-talk.

For example, "I can cope." Okay, time for a check for understanding.

List three to four ways a parent or carer could practise emotional regulation.

Pause this video so you can have some time to think about your answer.

Okay.

You could have said any of the following: walk away if safe and take a break, take deep breaths, stay calm and speak quietly, get support from other adults, practise self-care, and use positive self-talk such as, "I can cope." Well done if you got any of those correct.

Structure can provide parents and carers with strategies to understand and manage challenging behaviours effectively.

Having a good structure should focus on consistency, positive reinforcement, and problem-solving.

Structure in parenting is supported by parents and carers having and holding boundaries.

Boundaries are things parents and carers will and won't allow their children to do, and they should be clearly communicated.

Boundaries help children feel a sense of security and stability and teach them important life skills.

Boundaries usually change as children develop.

Different families will have different boundaries.

Jun says, "My parents have a boundary about phones at dinner time.

They explained why it's important for family time." And Sofia says, "We have a boundary about household chores needing to be done on time in order to earn our monthly pocket money." Okay, time for a check for understanding.

Which parenting principle is missing? Pause this video so you can have some time to think about your answer.

Okay, well done if you remembered "structure." All children's behaviour is a form of communication.

Often when children seem disrespectful, they are actually feeling upset, threatened, or stressed, and are too upset to think clearly.

Parents and carers can use a variety of techniques to consistently support and manage children's behaviour.

Here is a toolkit for parents and carers of techniques to consistently support and manage behaviour.

Some of the strategies in that toolkit include: routines, so having a structure consistently used for everyday activities; clear instructions, so short instructions, one at a time; choices, so giving children simple options so they feel that they have some control.

For example, "Do you want to put your shoes on or your coat on first?" And calm down time, giving a child time to calm down away from the activity, either with adult support or alone if the child can manage this.

Using "first and then," so linking what needs to be done with what the child wants to do.

For example, "First, tidy the puzzle away, then we can watch TV." Emotion labelling, so that means acknowledging and naming a child's feelings to help them understand and process their emotions.

For example, "You sound like you're really frustrated right now." And natural consequences, so allowing the child to experience negative consequences of their behaviour and choices if safe to do so.

Robyn's dad says, "Sometimes, Robyn gets overwhelmed by everything happening around her, and she can become very upset.

I help her calm by giving her a tight cuddle." And Izzy's dad says, "We have a set routine for going to bed with Izzy's sister, so she knows what to expect.

She knows that she cleans her teeth before her bath, and it causes fewer arguments this way." Okay, time for a check for understanding.

What behaviour management technique is being used here? Erica refused to eat her breakfast yesterday morning, as she wanted to play instead.

She felt very grumpy and hungry until snack time, but she ate her breakfast happily today.

So is the behaviour management technique A, choices, or B, natural consequences? Pause this video so you can have some time to think about your answer.

Okay, well done if you said B, natural consequences.

Erica refused to eat her breakfast, and the natural consequence was that she felt very grumpy and hungry until snack time.

Okay, time for a task now.

We're going to read the case study together, and then I would like you to answer the questions below.

Natalie is two, and her dad is trying to get her ready for playgroup.

It's cold, but she's refusing to wear a coat, and she's shouting and lying on the floor, refusing to move.

Natalie has been cross all morning and wanting everything to be her own way.

Her dad is feeling frustrated.

So the questions I would like you to answer are: Number one, explain how attunement, emotional regulation, and structure might work in this situation.

So think about what Natalie and her dad need.

And two, what behaviour management techniques could Natalie's dad use to manage the situation? Pause this video so you can have some time to do the task, and then we will go through the answers together.

Okay, well done for having a go.

So the first question was: explain how attunement, emotional regulation, and structure might work in this situation.

And your answer could include the following: Natalie's dad could use attunement by showing empathy and listening carefully to understand what Natalie needs.

She wants to have some control over what happens.

As he is feeling frustrated, he could use emotional regulation by taking deep breaths and staying calm to create a safe and supportive environment.

He could also use structure by having clear boundaries that are consistently applied to help Natalie feel secure.

Well done if your answer was similar to mine.

And the second question says, "What behaviour management techniques could Natalie's dad use to manage the situation?" Your answer could include the following: Natalie's dad could use emotion labelling to acknowledge her feelings by saying something like, "You sound really frustrated right now." This would help her understand her emotions.

If it's safe, he could let her experience the natural consequence of getting cold without her coat, so she learns why coats are important.

He could use the "first/then" approach by linking what needs to be done with what she wants to do: "First, put on your coat, then we can go to playgroup." And finally, he could give her simple choices so that she feels that she has some sort of control, like, "Do you want to put your coat on yourself, or shall I help you?" Well done if your answer was similar to mine.

This brings us to the end of our lesson, and here is a summary of everything that we've covered today.

Winnicott's 1953 theory showed that "good enough" parenting is better than striving for perfection.

"Good enough" parenting involves structure, emotional regulation, and attunement.

"Good enough" parents and carers sometimes make mistakes, and in these situations, they need to repair the relationship with their child.

"Good enough" parenting helps children develop tolerance for an imperfect world.

Consistent boundaries provide security and adapt as children grow.

Different families establish different boundaries based on their needs.

Here is a slide with two places that you can get support.

We have the NHS Live Well, where the NHS offers advice about healthy living, exercise, quitting smoking, and drinking less alcohol.

And the NHS website, where they provide advice about health and prevention, including how to access services.