Lesson video

Hello everyone.

And welcome to today's lesson.

My name is Ms. Smith in the lesson today, we are going to be planning the final part of our narrative scene, which is the final writing outcome for this unit.

So, when you're ready, let's get started.

In the lesson today, we are going to look at improving some writing before we analyse the final parts of our narrative scene.

And that is the conversation about dust.

And then your task today will be planning the final parts of the scene.

And so today you need to make sure you have something to write on and to write with and somewhere quiet so that your brain can focus and you will be able to concentrate for today's lesson.

If you need to go and pause the video and collect anything else, then you should do that now.

We're going to start today's lesson improving this short paragraph of writing.

I'm going to read the writing to you.

So, you can read aloud and follow on screen with me.

The vicious monkey-demon pounced upon poor Pan and the short-tempered woman lashed out and clutched Lyra's wrist.

With anguish in her eyes and pain etched on her face, Lyra pulled and pushed Mrs. Coulter in an effort to break free from her grasp.

Can you add a fronted adverbial to the start of the first sentence? You might want to begin copying the rest of the paragraph after adding that fronted adverbial so that as we work through, you have a completed paragraph by the end.

Pause and add a fronted adverbial now.

Okay.

This time, can you add a simile to the paragraph, anywhere in this paragraph? Can you add a simile? Remember similes often begin with like, or as, and they compare one thing to another.

You add a simile.

Press pause and do that now.

And finally, there are two verbs in the final sentence.

I wonder if you could improve those verbs and replace them with something more ambitious.

The sentence reads with anguish in her eyes and pain etched on her face, Lyra pulled and pushed Mrs. Coulter in an effort to break free from her grasp.

Can you replace pulled and pushed in that sentence? Pause you do that, now.

Okay.

Let's have a look.

I'm going to share my edits and you can compare these with yours.

You can make notes on your paragraph.

I added a fronted adverbial, I added: within seconds, to show the speed at which that vicious monkey-demon pounces in that video clip.

Within seconds a vicious, monkey-demon had pounced upon poor Pan and the short-tempered woman lashed out and clutched Lyra's wrist.

The second job was to add a simile and I added it here.

I added a dash like an Eagle's talons, seizing its prey.

Finally, we wanted to improve the verbs in the final sentence.

And I replaced pulled and pushed with squirmed and wrestled.

With anguish in her eyes and pain etched on her face, Lyra, squirmed, and wrestled Mrs. Coulter in an effort to break free from her grasp.

So, today we are planning the final parts of our scene.

And this is the scene that involves the conversation about dust.

So, what then have we already planned? Cause we've done a lot of work so far on this.

Have a little think, what have we already planned? That's right.

We thought already about the opening part of the scene as Mrs. Coulter enters dramatically, and the conversation begins quite frien- in a quite a friendly manner at the beginning of the scene.

We thought of nouns, of other ways of referring to Mrs Coulter, so that we have variety, in both our referring to her, as well as the adjectives we're using to describe her.

We've planned speech very carefully.

And we thought about the very beginning of the scene where the characters are engaging in their friendly conversation.

And our planning looks like the planning of this table.

If you want to go and collect any of your previous work to support your planning for the rest of this scene, you should go and do that now.

So, the final part of the scene then, this sequence of images is taken from that final part, that we'll watch in a moment.

And you can see that the look on each character's face changes quite dramatically.

And there's the scene includes the fight between the golden monkey and Pan.

And you can see that in the image in the screen.

So, our focus here will be on character actions and the drama, to make sure our writing for this part, captures the drama in the scene.

So, let's watch the final clip and remind ourself what happens.

And you should note down any ideas to add to your planning as you watch.

Just don't mention it again.

Now darling, you take off that childish shoulder bag.

I don't like to see you wearing it indoors.

Please, Mrs. Coulter, I do love it.

But, I do not.

Put it away.

Lyra, put it away now.

I don't want to.

If you do not obey me, you will have an argument, which I will win.

Now put it away at once! It's absurd to be carrying around a shoulder bag in your own home.

Jordan is my home.

Lyra! Don't! Please, it hurts! Lyra! Okay, so, let's have a look then, in the scene as tensions rise and you can see the still images there and Lyra's expression certainly changes.

So, we're still thinking about show, not tell, in capturing the drama of the scene.

And we're zooming in on Lyra, Mrs. Coulter, and any other ideas we have for this part of our plan.

Can you pause now and have a go at filling in the table for this section, before we look at this part together in a minute? Okay, hopefully you've added lots of ideas to each section.

I'm going to share my ideas.

And as always, you can steal and borrow any that you want to for your own writing.

So, here I feel as though Lyra shows elements of rebellion, she's being rebellious with rebellion, defiant and stubborn- those both synonyms for one another.

She's refusing to remove her shoulder bag, which means Mrs. Coulter becomes quite short-tempered and she moves to the edge of her sofa.

That's show, not tell, or showing her uneasiness, less relaxed and more on edge shifting in her seat.

She's not particularly at ease.

Other language, where they begin to bicker, bickering.

And the golden monkey, we might describe his hair as being raised, is pricked.

And he's a scowling demon.

And all of those things reflect Mrs. Coulter's character, remember, because the demon is the soul of Mrs. Coulter.

Okay, let's move on to this next part of the scene, when Mrs. Coulter is up on her feet.

How can we describe this part? Focusing still on Lyra, Mrs. Coulter, and the other characters, perhaps the demon, and other things in the scene that help us to understand what's going on.

Can you pause and add to this table now with your own ideas before we look together? Okay, let's see shall we? My ideas? Well, we see, when the camera flicks to Lyra, real anguish on her face and pain in her eyes, because Mrs. Coulter, without warning, is on her feet.

She lashed out and she grabbed Lyra aggressively.

So, lots and lots of description for the action in that scene.

Other ideas? Well with authority, she's looking down and standing tall.

And describing her in that way, communicates authority without having to state it.

Okay, so, your task today, is to plan the narrative scene.

This final part of our final scene in this unit.

And you should use the remaining images to support your planning.

And we've got the golden monkey and Pan, as well as Lyra, looking up at Mrs. Coulter, as those final two images.

We're focusing on showing, not telling, So describing what's happening, rather than just stating it in your writing.

And zooming in on the actions of characters, will really help you with that.

You should also add to the first part of planning.

We've looked at those first two sections together in the final part of the scene.

But you should rewatch the video and add as many ideas as you can, to make sure your plan is as comprehensive as possible, for your writing.

So, pause the video and complete your task today, which is to plan a narrative scene.

Focusing on those pink images at the end of the scene.

Congratulations! You have finished today's lesson.

Well done! You worked so hard to improve and edit writing at the beginning of the lesson, before we analysed the scenes together.

You've then planned those final parts of the scenes so that you have a comprehensive plan ready for writing.

And that's the end of another lesson well done for working so hard on your plan.

Please, keep it safe, so that you have it to support your writing.